The Misadventures of Berrylicious

If this were a sitcom, the guy I was seeing would somehow find this on my computer, freak out, and dump me for no reason.

But that sort of thing doesn't happen in real life, right? Well, not to most people. To me? Possibly.

Last year, shortly before things fell apart with the guy I'd been seeing, I received Destinations Weddings and Honeymoons in the mail. I'm fairly certain he saw it. Within a few weeks, we'd broken up for "wanting different things" despite never once having had a conversation about what we "wanted."

Coincidence or sitcom-type misunderstanding?

We may never know.

So, I'm back in the dating game. I took time off after the last fella didn't go so well. But now I'm at it again. This time, I'm playing the OKCupid game. It's free, so why not? You do get a lot of weirdos and freaks, but it's also kind of a fun game to play. I've turned it into a group activity--we all sit around with our laptops and phones and sort through our matches and emails.

Anyway, allow me to tell you about Gentleman Caller #3.
We'd talked online for a week or so before our first date. We'd been texting and talking prior to that, so I had high hopes. The date was a solid B, maybe a B minus due to length. He has a crazy schedule, so he could only stay out an hour or so. But the date was good. I would totally see him again. Or so I thought.

Since then, he's been trying really hard to get an invite to my apartment. Because I watch a lot of true crime shows, I'm fairly certain he plans to murder me or sell me into sex slavery. Other people have pointed out that he's probably just thinking apartment = sex or that he's being funny and flirty. But really, I'm pretty sure about the sex slavery thing. I've watched Vanished with Beth Halloway.

I've been evading the question with oh, my place is really messy. Or why don't we just meet up instead. I don't feel like cooking tonight. But he keeps asking.

Alright, so it's probably the apartment equals sex thing. And I don't deny that. But here's the thing. That? Is MY move. When I'm ready to take it to a sexy times level, I invite the guy over for dinner and then afterward, what do you know? We end up having sex! Why I do declare, I never expected that to happen! That CERTAINLY wasn't my intention when I invited you for a nice home-cooked meal of Love Lasagna.

So he's trying to force my move! Or was.

Today, we had this exchange:
He: Why are you so hesitant to have me over?
Me: Because we just met. You might be planning to murder me or sell me into sex slavery.

I'm trying to lighten the mood with a joke here. I don't really believe this.

Me: Besides, it isn't like you are exactly inviting me over to your place.
He: Well, if you won't have me over why would I think you would come to my place?
He: Just forget it.
Me: I understand

Okay. At that point, I was like...done. If he can't understand that it isn't SAFE to have someone you just met on the internet over to your home, then yes, let's forget it.

He: Understand what?
Me: I thought you were saying forget seeing each other because I was being too difficult.
He: No, I'm just frustrated. I've had a rough week.
Me: I would be happy to hang out. I would even participate in kissing type activities.

And no response.

So, unless he explains that this was a huge miscommunication and apologizes for making me uncomfortable and concedes that having a virtual stranger into your home is a dangerous thing for a single girl to do, then I'm done. All of this is taking place via text and I often don't get that I'm being teased. At least, not when the person is still very unfamiliar to me.

I might be done anyway. Seriously, one date and I'm this irritated. Not boding well for Gentleman Caller #3. Looks like GC2 is edging ahead now.

I have a few notices from Pandora's Secret in my inbox that always prompt an "OMG, I should archive that...what if someone were to see!" response each time they catch my eye.

Pandora's Secret, however, is not an *ahem* adult sexual wellness site. It's not the place I go for bikini waxes. It's not a lingerie store.

It's a nail salon.

A nail salon that fills me with Southern Baptist Shame* when I see I see the emails.

Those guys should really have considered a different name. Even Pandora's Spa would have been better.

*I wasn't actually raised Southern Baptist. I was raised in the Church of Christ. All the Baptist restrictions without the musical accompaniment. But I wasn't sure people would get Church of Christ Shame.

Poll #1748229 Doctor
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

If I'm only going to see ONE doctor this month, which doctor should I see?

Old Navy is selling super-cute pride shirts this year.






The rest

Unfortunately, they will only be sold in 26 stores and not online at all.

The stores

I'm quite excited about the two Dallas stores. The toddlers shirts are in stock now. The adults are supposed to be in on Tuesday. Why yes. I did just spend WAY too much time researching that.

This image is bringing me much joy today.



Don't worry...this has nothing to do with violence against women. It's about a make-over she got. But it amuses me.

Watching the Vampire Diaries. Don't understand why Katherine couldn't call the gang and tell them what was up. Klaus only said she couldn't LEAVE.

I've decided to participate in Lent this year. I'm for sure giving up glutton and sloth as I like the cardinal sin theme. But I've also considered giving up swearing and gossiping like yaycoffee. However, I worry that giving up gossiping would require me to give up Oh No They Didn't and Just Jared and other such sites.

Does celebrity gossip count as gossip?

Is it just me? Or does Zac Ephron look a whole lot like Dean Winchester?

Has anyone else been getting spammed on old posts? This old post about me crashing my bike into my car keeps getting random spammy posts by people with only a tentative grasp of the English language.

Also, I think the Garcia in my icon is sipping a lemonade which looks like a mojito which sounds REALLY nice. Will someone make me some sangria? That would be lovely. Thanks.

Saturday night, the cabin fever (which I totally only had in my head because I'd spent very LITTLE time in my apartment) had made me sort of crazy. I became desperate to see people and consume all the alcohol. I finally convinced/harassed redmcb into having dinner w/ me at the Taco Diner in Addison at 6:45. And then my bad decision making began.

Bad Decision #1
I convinced divajess to see The Kings Speech with me at 8 at the Angelika Dallas...10 miles away. The decision is not about getting together with Jess, but the idea that I could TOTALLY do both.

I got to Taco Diner a bit early, ordered a Mambo Taxi (forgetting how strong the REGULAR margaritas at Taco Diner and instead adding on brandy and red wine), and read a bit more of The Great Gatsby. I started using the Notes feature on my Kindle and left these gems:

• Daisy reminds me of Holly Golightly. Holly was a truly awful person and should have been shunned.


• Next to line "Don't touch the lever,"- that's what she said! LOL


• Pretty sure main character (because I can never remember his name) and that dude just had gay sex.


• Why do rich people use so much citrus?

Sarah arrived and we had a lovely dinner.

Bad Decision #2
I order another Mambo Taxi halfway through dinner. They come in pint glasses, FYI.

She asked what prompted my accurate, yet odd text message of "A special place in Hell is reserved for Dick Cheney." I explained that I'd watched Gasland and was pretty certain the water I'd just drank had poisoned me. I'm at around TWO Mambo Taxis at this point. I then realize that it's 7:50 and I should have left 10 minutes ago. I rush to my car.

Bad Decision #3
I tear down the highway texting Jess that I'm on my way.

Along the way, she texts back not to rush as the fire alarm went off and the theater was evacuated. I arrive in the parking garage to find a pipe spewing water. I suspect I have found the reason for the alarms. Meet up with Jess.

After a few minutes of waiting, the theater gives us vouchers for the movie.

Bad Decision #4
Jess and I decide we should eat (her) and continue drinking (me). So we do that. After a martini and a beer, we call it a night.

Bad Decision #5
I text the ex...whatever... to see if he has big plans for Superbowl weekend in hopes that he would say why yes, I'm out at Ghost Bar with JT and Ashton. We're doing shots. Join us! Your name will be on the list!

No response.

Bad Decision #6
I text the other person I'm not supposed to text. He had apparently erased my number. I engaged in the who is this/who do you think it is game.

I got home, sat down in front of Sophie's cage, and told her all about my bad decision regarding the men formerly in my life. She was unsympathetic.

I woke up the next day. As the Haze of Alcohol lifted and the Shame Light shone, I deleted all the numbers of people I am NEVER supposed to text or call EVER.

I also threw away my Bad Decision Panties which I'd apparently worn the night before.

So, I often have these thoughts like "OMG, I haven't seen any of my friends in DAYS!" Or, "OMG, I can't spend any more time in my apartment! I've been in here for DAYS!"

Neither of those things are true.

I spent all day with Sara and her roommates yesterday. Since the February Ice-ident occurred, I've spent very LITTLE time in my apartment. I worked the first day. I spent all day yesterday at Sara's. I'm at work today.

None of these things are true, but somehow, I still feel them. My brain is on the fritz.

Three days of diet and yoga. Two classes in under 12 hours.

I am so hungry.

So, last year's resolutions didn't go to well. I shall try harder this year.

1. Start the Smarty Pants Book Club and become more well-read.

2. Start the Doing Cultured Things Society. On the docket? Go to an opera and a ballet.

3. Visit three places I've never been. I have plans to go to Breckenridge in February. I'd also like to go to the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon and to Amarillo.

4. Explore new hobbies/activities. I might want to try archery and toastmasters.

5. Go on one official bike ride per month, starting in February. What? The ones in January suck!

6. Remember birthdays.

7. Ski a black diamond.

8. Grow hair past bra strap.

9. Buy hubcaps for car (again!)

10. Go to doctors and dentists like a grown up. First up, the dermatologist and dentist!

11. Take better care of body with stuff like nightly skin care and more diligent flossing.

12. 2011 shall be the year of waxing!

Okay, so the 2010 resolutions didn't go so great.

Let's look at last year...


1. Lose 25 pounds. I lost them before, found them again. Need to lose them again.
Negatory. Gained more instead. Oops.

2. Go to the gym or do some sort of physical activity each week.
Well, I tried. I did join a yoga studio, went rock climbing, and began working out with a friend. And I bought a Wii Fit. But the resolution itself is unfulfilled.

3. Train for a long bike ride. Somewhere in the 50 mile range, if not more. I'd love to do the Austin to Shiner ride.
I think I rode like 4 times last year. LOSER!

4. Cook one new recipe a week.
BAHAHA! Not at all. I did try some new ones though.

5. Read 50 books.
YAY! I did this one! I read a total of 53 books this year, including a smarty pants book and a biography.

6. Go to a new state. I'm thinking California, Utah, Illinois, or Maryland.
Yay! I win again! I went to Maryland.

7. Visit friends/family in Houston.
Nope. I suck.

8. Watch all the Oscar nominated movies, unless there are 10 nominees for Best Picture.
Nope. Lose again.

9. Do stand up.
No.

10. Learn to knit gloves.
I'm still working on a scarf from 2009.

Here is my January to-do.

1. Clean out closets.
I did this a few times. One of my closets is AMAZINGLY organized. Plus, I got a bunch of plastic bins at Lowes after Christmas, so I have high hopes for organization in the new year.

2. Organize bills.
Thanks to Taryn, I did this. It was November, but it got done.

3. Watch Mad Men and Dexter.
Instead, I admitted I don't watch those shows anymore.

4. Redo my cubicle at work.
Nope

5. Go to the Bodies exhibit.
It was May, but I went.

6. Find and make appointment for dentist and dermatologist.
Negative on the dentist, but positive on the dermatologist. It resulted in a hunk being cut out of my shoulder.

I've been growing my hair out. I've decided to keep going for a while. Maybe I'll donate it. Maybe I'll keep going until I can go topless and hide behind a curtain of hair.

There's only one problem...and I will pose it to you, dear readers:

How do you deal with always getting it trapped under your purse, laying on it, just always getting tangled up in it?

I'm going a little nuts here.

Like most animals, Sophie can't get traction on smooth surfaces. Tonight, she hopped onto the bottom shelf of the entertainment center and tried to sit still. Her little front paws kept sliding out from under her, over and over again. She kept looking at me as if to say, nothing to see here. I'm totally doing this on purpose.

Or in her case, "nothin' ta see hier. Ah'm tote'ly doin' this on puhrpus."

I giggled into my pillow until she got frustrated and hopped away, feet slip-sliding the whole time.